A little emotional

I kept thinking back about the last 3.5 years, and had to write down what I was thinking.

I don't know if anyone really knows the pain and heartache one feels unless they have gone through those procedures, and taken those nasty drugs. After millions of doctor bills, millions of negative pregnancy tests, a roller-coster of weight gain and loss, and more tears then could be counted, it just sometimes doesn't seem fair. I know, I know, no trials are really ever fair - and I KNOW that people have had much harder trials, and we are given what we can handle.

We try not to keep a tally of friends that have kids, and hope that there is at least one that will have one with you someday. We try not to cry when, yet again, that time of month comes and ANOTHER person is pregnant. We really are happy for the little babies that come into this world to great families, but try REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to not freak out when we hear more child abuse news and hear people complain about having "another baby?!?!" We try not to be so self absorbed about it all - but let's just face the facts, when it is a trial involving your body, and your dreams....sometimes it is hard not to be.

I think there are some trials that people know you are going through - which may or may not make it easier. I would hope if people knew about trials they would at least have the decency and social "normalcy" to be tactful. But with the struggles of trying to have a baby, for some reason, people are retarded. I have had so many people say things like, "oh, do you guys not like kids?" or "Are you just not ready to have kids?" or "Oh, are you waiting for Deven to be done with school?" For us it has been a private struggle up until 6 months ago when I finally got over my insecurities about telling people - and, going back to the public vs private trials, it seems to me behind closed doors is really hard.

I think the hardest thing about some trials is, you really are doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do - actually what he has COMMANDED you do. Trying to have kids - come on!! Then once you have kids having melt downs and more closed door struggles - COME ON!! Luckily, we all know - After the trial of your faith....

 Luckily, I have been surrounded by people that actually do know what I (and so many people I love) have gone through. All I have to say is THANK HEAVENS for family! I really don't want to forget these times, so I needed to include them. Here are some great examples of how you can help:

*My amazing mom who knows more about this process then anyone I have ever known. She is so real about it. She doesn't tell me it will all be okay - because it might not. She mostly just lets me cry, and tells me it is okay to cry.
*My amazing cousin - who luckily listened to the spirit one day, and sent me an e-mail about her adoption process. The night before she sent it we had officially decided to start the paperwork process. I was so frustrated because I couldn't find any information online - and then the next morning...there is the e-mail.
*My amazing friend who one day just sent me a text that said, "Just thought you might need this, PSALMS 40:1: 'I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.'" I have tried to make that my motto ever since.
*My amazing sisters who each have been there different times. The one that meant the most to me was recently after hearing some frustrating news at a party, I was secretly crying in the kitchen. I was "caught" by my sister who listened to what was wrong, and simply said, "Honey, you'll get your baby..." and cried with me. After we both cried, she got her baby - who cheered me up in an instant.
*My amazing husband - who not only knows what I am going through - but has to deal with it himself, and me at the same time. For all the blessings he has given me, and all the tears that were shed together (with more to come). For all the prayers that were said, and all the money that has been spent (with more to come). Mostly for the knowledge that we wouldn't trade each other for any other person on this earth. We are in it together FOREVER!